Judge Megumi
by Dumbledore'sDelight
Summary: Join the chaos in the courtroom as Kenshin and Hiko sue and counter sue each other. Whether they want to or not! Believe it or not, it's kind of funny. Other anime characters involved as well! Please R&R!
1. The Case

**Judge Megumi**

"At one point we needed samurai to stand up for truth and justice. Now justice has a new name: Judge Megumi. She's tough. She's fair. She's sly as a fox."

Megumi cut in, scowling, "Hey, you made me sound like a lawyer... well, minus the fair part."

"Ladies and gentlemen, Meiji's latest craze: Judge Megumi!"

She walked in and takes a seat to applause as the announcer, Seta Soujiro continued. "And her slave... I mean court orderly, Sagara Sanosuke."

Sano walked in and the applause stopped. "Hey!" Sano growled, shooting an evil look at Megumi who held the applause remote.

She laughed while fox ears popped out of her head.

"The prosecution: Twenty-eight-year-old Himura Kenshin is suing his shishou, the defendant, forty-three-year-old Hiko Seijuro the thirteenth, who took him in as a child when bandits killed the men who were selling Himura into slavery. Himura states that he didn't want to be saved and has suffered much physical and emotional abuse."

Kenshin stood, nervously raising his hand. "But that isn't true, Megumi-dono, that it is not!"

Kaoru glared at him from the audience behind him and he nervously sat and fell silent.

Soujiro continued. "The defendant, Hiko Seijuro, is counter-suing Himura for debilitating injuries he received when saving his deshi that ended Hiko's career as a master swordsman."

Kenshin stood again. "Excuse me, Megumi-dono, but that isn't true either."

Hiko sent him a glare almost as fierce as Kaoru's had been and once again, Kenshin fell silent and started to sit back down when something hit him in the back of the head and he fell to the floor, swirly-eyed.

Sano approached and stepped over Kenshin to retrieve what had hit the prosecution. It was a brick with a note tied to it. He unwrapped the note and read: Courtrooms aren't fair. Deal with it."

Soujiro whistled innocently and fixed his sandle.

Megumi halfheartedly whacked a shinai on the bench and said in a bored voice, "Order, order." She sighed. "Go on, Soujiro."

The boy smiled as Kenshin struggled to his seat. "The defense will be represented by—"

"No!" came a loud girl at Hiko's side. "Makimachi Misao does not give her name to stupid defense attourneys!"

Hiko glared at her. "You _are_ my stupid defense attourney, baka."

Soujiro went on cheerfully. "And, representing the prosecution will be Shinomori Aoshi!"

Aoshi exchanged wary looks with Kenshin.

The redhead sighed and asked, "So, she talked you into it, too, did she?"

They both sneaked a look back at Kaoru. "I'd rather be dead," Aoshi commented.

Kenshin nodded. "I agree, that I do. Bakumatsu was less painful."

Misao had tears welling in her eyes. "You mean I'm against Aoshi-sama? But this isn't right? How can I fight Aoshi-sama? Hiko-sama, what am I going to do?"

The large swordsman glared at her. "You're going to defend me, or I'll show you what I did to make me need an attorney in the first place."

Misao swallowed hard. "Yes, sir."

Megumi suddenly whacked Sano with her shinai. "Don't slouch."

He scowled at her, but straightened up.

Soujiro smiled again. "And as a special treat, the loser of this case will not only get sued, but will get beheaded as well by our bailiff."

The bailiff, Enishi, sent a crazy grin at Kenshin who swallowed hard.

"Oro..."

"Alright, alright already," Megumi snapped, flipping her hair back. "Enough with the publicity stunts. This is a half-hour program for Pete's sake. We need time for the case. And I have a dying patient waiting for me. Someone just call a witness."

Misao jumped up, waving her hand in the air. "Can I go first? Please?"

Aoshi buried his face in his hands.

"Whatever," Megumi sighed, whacking Sano again. "Stand up straight. You look like an idiot."

Sano looked ready to kill.

Misao bounded to the front of the courtroom. "I'd like to call Shinomori Aoshi as a witness!"

Hiko groaned.

Aoshi sighed. "Objection, your honor. First o all, I'm the prosecuting attorney. Secondly, I've never met this Hiko, nor do I care greatly about Battousai's past."

Megumi raised an eyebrow. "Ken-san is your client."

Aoshi shrugged. "Not by choice."

"Objection sustained. Misao sit down or think of another witness to call."

Misao pouted. "But I wanted to cross-examine Aoshi-sama," she whined.

Kenshin approached the bench. "Megumi-dono, I can solve this quite easily, that I can."

Various objects started flying through the courtroom. Kenshin yelped and ran back to his seat.

"Did you think of another witness?" Megumi asked the defense attorney.

Misao sighed. "I guess. I'd like to call Omasu to the stand as a character witness."

The young ninja woman walked to the stand and swore to tell the truth.

"So," Misao started, "tell us about Hiko-sama."

Omasu smiled dreamily. "Hiko-sama is very sexy. No one that sexy can be bad. And I saw him fight a really big guy named Fuji. Hiko-sama looked very sexy there, too. Anyway, Himura-san should be able to defend himself." She eyed him. "He's kind of sexy, too. So is Aoshi-sama for that matter, although I'm not allowed to go after him, am I, Misao-chan?" She winked. "Anyway, who cares when they're compared to Hiko-sama." She blushed. "Hiko-sama, will you go out with me?"

His left eyebrow twitched. "Will it get me out of here quicker?"

Megumi whacked Sano, "Rooster, make her sit down. Aoshi, call a witness."

Misao pouted and stomped back to Hiko. Sano led Omasu back to her seat.

Aoshi stood and walked up to the bench. "I would like to call Owatari Kin to the stand."

A very old man hobbled up.

"Kuso," Hiko swore. "I know him."

The ex-okashira stared at Kin. "Please tell us, Owatari-san, what you know of Hiko-sama."

"Well," the old man wheezed. "I figure he must be an alcoholic. He used to buy sake from me almost every day. And he'd drag this little kid around with him, forcing him to carry the load."

Aoshi nodded. "Do you recognize that child as anyone in the courtroom?"

The old man looked around and pointed at Kenshin. "The kid looked a lot like that girl."

Hiko snorted.

Kenshin's eyebrow twitched and his hand tightened on his sakabatou.

Enishi grinned and muttered to himself, "Look, sister, the demon is getting angry. He's going to snap soon, and we'll get payback." His maniacal laughter echoed throughout the room, earning him nothing more than an irritated glare from everyone except for his hallucination of Tomoe."

Aoshi sighed. "No more questions, your honor."

Megumi looked at the defense. "Do you have any questions for the witness?"

Misao nodded. "Just one. Owatari-san, take a good look at my client. I mean a _real_ good look... and tell me honestly... how old does he look to you? Because I don't think he's forty-three."

"Baka," Hiko hissed.

She ignored him. "Oh, and I agree with you, Owatari-san. Himura does look a lot like a girl." She turned to Kenshin. "Maybe you should try cutting your hair. I could do it for you."

Kaoru growled at the thought of Misao cutting Kenshin's hair with a ninja knife.

Megumi sighed. "That will be all. You can step down, Owatari-san."

Aoshi nodded. "My next witness is Myojin Yahiko."

The Tokyo samurai took the bench.

Aoshi nodded to him, which was as close as he was able to get to a greasy lawyer smile. "Tell me, Yahiko, what do you know of Hiko-sama?"

The boy shrugged. "Not much except he yells at Kenshin a lot and calls him bad names."

"So, he verbally abuses Battousai?"

Yahiko sent him a puzzled look. "Huh?"

"Objection!" Misao yelled. "Leading the witness."

Aoshii raised an eyebrow. "How can I lead him if he can't follow what I say?"

Megumi nodded. "Good point. Sustained. Continue."

"Go on, Yahiko," Aoshi said.

"I think he's gay," Yahiko said thoughtfully.

Hiko's eyebrow popped up. "Hey!"

"Maybe kinky, too. I mean, what's he hiding under that cloak? I'll be he's wearing a girl's kimono under there. But either way, he definitely doesn't like girls."

Hiko's eyebrow popped up again. "Hey!"

"And Kenshin always gets really nervous when we pass around certain types of mushrooms. I think Hiko might have been a drug pusher."

Hiko's eyebrow popped up a third time. "Hey! It's not my fault the baka got hungry and ate those funny mushrooms! And I don't like girls, because I don't like people. I'm not gay."

Megumi nodded to Sano who made note, "Abusive, repressed, cross-dressing, alcoholic, homosexual with a drug problem. Should we call in the police chief?"

Megumi whacked Sano with her shinai. "You're just supposed to make the defendant shut up. Kamatari is the one transcribing things." She pointed at the cross-dresser who was now eying Hiko appreciatively. Megumi smiled faintly. "Any more questions?"

"None," Aoshi said.

"Me neither," Misao replied, sticking her tongue out at Yahiko.

Hiko suddenly jabbed Misao. "That girl's starting to creep me out," he muttered, pointing at Kamatari who was now blowing him a kiss.

Misao shrugged. "Don't worry. Kamatari's harmless... well, not with a weapon. But being that Kamatari isn't a girl, he won't get very far with you."

Hiko shuddered, refusing to make eye contact.

Misao popped up. "I'd like to call Kamiya Kaoru to the stand!"

Kaoru went pale. "Me? Why? I didn't do it!"

"Just get up here, little raccoon girl," Megumi said, "and stop being a baby in front of Ken-san."

Kaoru glared and yanked out her bokken, charging Megumi.

Sano intervened and after a lengthy fight, managed to in her arms and take away her bokken. "Sorry, Jou-chan, but attacking the judge gets you held in contempt until we're done." He nodded toward the bailiff.

Enishi stopped talking to his hallucination long enough to say, "What now?"

Sano dragged Kaoru over as she managed to injure him in the process, even without her bokken. "She needs to be out of the courtroom."

Enishi looked at Kaoru and, mistaking her for his dead sister, proceeded to beat the crap out of Sano, calling him several interesting names. Clearly Battousai was at last forgotten.

Kenshin felt kind of bad for Sano. Especially when Dr. Gensai was called in to patch Sano up. Saito Hajime was sent in as the new orderly and Shura, the pirate, was called in as a replacement bailiff, her first job being to throw both Kaoru and Enishi into separate cells.

The courtroom was in chaos until Megumi whacked the shinai against the bench. She turned to whack her orderly as well, but met with the amber-eyed glare of a wolf of Mibu.

"I wouldn't suggest it, your honor... proceed."

Judge Megumi once again remembered her dying patient and decided to speed things along. She cleared her throat and looked at the lawyers, sighing. "I forget whose turn it is, so one of you call a witness."

Misao was busy fixing her sandle, so Aoshi sighed and replied, "I suppose I can go again." He stood. "I'd like to call Seta Soujiro as an expert on child abuse."

Soujiro smiled and walked over, plopping into the seat. "Oh goodie. I get to go after all!"

Aoshi didn't return the smile. "So, tell us a little about child abuse."

Soujiro smiled again. "Child abuse is a really terrible thing. And it happens to a lot more people than you'd think, causing them to do all sorts of horrible things. Like slaughtering their abusive foster families in an almost excessive bloodbath before escaping with a known assassin wanted by the government." Soujiro giggled, his porcelain doll grin taking on a creepy quality.

Aoshi nodded, undisturbed by this. "I see. Would you say that nayone in here has been abused in your opinion?"

Soujiro looked around. "Oh yeah. I'd say just about everyone."

There were random startled looks around the courtroom.

"Obviously the original court orderly was abused, because he kept getting hit buy the judge, who was obviously also abused, or she wouldn't be so violent. I think the original bailiff was abused, too... or maybe he was just crazy."

Aoshi raised an eyebrow. "How about Battousai, being that this case is about him?"

Soujiro looked at the redhead. "No. I think he's okay. Compared to the rest of you, he's pretty normal. But then again, he's also very strong, or else he'd never have survived this trial, so maybe he was abused and is just covering it up. Acutally, I think everyone here must be pretty strong, except Enishi, because he lets himself get crazy over girls. And not in the right way either. As we all know, if you're strong you live, and if you're weak you die, which is a perfectly normal thing to believe."

There was a stunned silence as Soujiro looked around happily. "Can we go to the commercial break now?"

Megumi was rubbing her temples. "Fine. Let's just get on with it, so I can flip a coin and get the verdict."

Soujiro laughed. "Right! Back after this commercial break with the verdict."


	2. Commercial! Anji Cleansan

**Judge Megumi**

_Commercial: Anji as Clean-san!_

Soujiro's voice comes from nowhere. "Are you tired of trying to get those ugly blood and burnt tofu stains out of your clothes?"

Kenshin is doing laundry, happily cleaning with his normal soap. He notices the voice coming from nowhere and looks around in confusing. He shrugs and continues.

Sano and Yahiko run out of the dojo, being beaten badly enough to draw blood by Kaoru's bokken. They run through the clean laundry, bleeding on it.

Kenshin looks at the laundry in dismay. His eyes narrow and go a bit amber and he mutters out something that sounds like a very weak curse word as he begins taking the laundry down to wash them again.

Soujiro, the announcer continues, "Wouldn't you like something that will knock the dirt out of those clothes and at the same time, beat down those weak bakas who deserve to die?"

Kenshin's eye's widen. "Oro?"

"Well, today, you young bakas, you're in luck, because Anji Clean-san has the answer.

A very large, powerful, annoyed looking monk appears out of nowhere in a white smock, muttering something about temples needing to be rebuilt. He clears his throat and sighes. "Ladies and gentlemen, today I am going to offer you a wonderful deal," he says in a flat, unimpressed voice. He looks distinctly like he got wrangled into this by force. "Futai-no-kiwami is guaranteed to get rid of blood, rust, grass stains and unwanted salespeople."

Scene flashes to Saito carrying medicine chest to dojo.

Back to Anji Clean-san. "Ladies and gentlemen, for this week only, if you order now, you can get a brand new Futai-no-kiwami sword. Perfect to get those long-distance stains. Just use this ancient Japanese technique like so, and the stains will be lifted away." He demonstrates, showing dirt, obis, the drying post, and Kenshin being thrown into the distance from the Futai-no-kiwami.

Kenshin, swirly-eyed, moans, "Oro...!"

Soujiro's voice returns. "Just send payment in care of Juppengatana. No address necessary. We know where you live."


	3. Commercial! Kamatari's Secrets

**Judge Megumi**

_Commercial: Kamatari's Secrets_

The words "Kamatari's Secrets" float in the air over Kamatari who is lounging in frilly lingerie.

Yahiko wanders on screen and looks up at the white lettering that is floating over his head.

Kamatari hisses, "Little boy, get off my commercial."

Yahiko turns to look at him. He cleans his ear with his pinky and appears both confused and grossed out. "'Kamatari's Secrets,' huh? No one _wants_ to know your secrets. And aren't you supposed to have something filling out the top of that thing?" He points at the lingerie.

Kamatari jumps to his feet, pissed, and whips his scythe out of his robe, Tira Misu style. "Oh yeah?"

Screen goes to test screen with Kamatari's voice calling from the background, "Oh little boooooy..."

Yahiko screams and runs in front of screen just before it goes black.

Soujiro's voice comes on again. "We now return you to your regularly scheduled program."


	4. The Verdict

**Judge Megumi**

Megumi looked around the courtroom, her eyes lingering appreciatively on a tall man in sunglasses and a large red hat. She cleared her throat. "Ladies and gentlemen of the audience..." She again eyed the man in the red hat... "emphasis on the gentlemen of the audience..." Fox ears momentarily popped out of her head and she giggled. "Anyway, seeing as how my patient died during the commercial break, there s no longer any reason to rush this trial. However, since I'm bored, we're going to anyway. So, using the most advanced scientific method and fair reasoning, I will determine who the winner of this case is." She pulled out a large coin.

Before she could flip the coin, a voice out of nowhere announced, "Smile! You're on _Gundam Camera_!"

Everyone looked around, startled at the voice from nowhere.

Soujiro shrugged and smiled. "Wasn't me this time!"

The man in the red hat looked back and noticed a screen in the back of the room. He turned into a large hellhound and ran over, pulling the screen away and exposing Gundam pilot, Duo Maxwell.

Duo looked at the dog and screamed. "Hey! You're not Toto! Heero! There's a scary dog with lots of eyes staring at me!"

Heero Yuy stood up in the audience as Duo ran toward the bench.

The dog turned back into the nosferatu, Alucard.

Heero smirked at the vampire. "Don't worry. My gun's bigger than his gun."

Duo, now over the shock, smiled and commented, "So anyway, back to _Gundam Camera_... See, guys, I told you the surveillance equipment could be used for more interesting things than tracking Oz."

Quatra and Trowa, also in the audience, exchanged embarrassed looks as they each remembered exactly what else Duo had recorded with that equipment.

Duo grinned. "Yeah, so this has all just been a hoax! You're on TV!"

Several people just looked around in confusion, wondering what a TV was. Several others grabbed reverse blade ginshu knives (which had come free with their purchase of a Bow Flex) and proceeded to chase Duo around the courtroom.

Hiko took a big swig of sake and kicked back, commenting, "So, does this mean I'm acquitted?"

Misao ran up to Aoshi, exclaiming, "Isn't it great, Aoshi-sama? We weren't against each other after all!"

Aoshi looked helplessly around, wondering if he could convince the mob to stab him with a knife.

Megumi sighed. "Does this mean my patient didn't really die?"

"Nope," Soujiro said brightly. "He's dead."

Kenshin hid under the table, stating, "Violence will not solve anything, that it will not!"

Everyone ignored him.

Soujiro cut in as announcer once again. "Next time on Judge Megumi: The Meiji Government versus _Gundam Theater's: Gundam Camera_. Amusing hoax or violent bloodbath? You be the judge! At eleven."

Soujiro smiled as the screen went to credits.

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**THE END** (we think)

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_**Multiple Choice Disclaimer:** (Please pick one)_

_We do not own:_

_a) chickens_

_b) Kentucky blue grass_

_c) ginsu knives,_ Gundam Wing, Rurouni Kenshin, Judge Judy, Hellsing, The Wizard of Oz,_ Victoria Secrets, Mr. Clean, Bo-Flex_

_d) any of the above

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_Author's note 1: We do not have anything against lawyers, homosexuality, or cross-dressing. We do not condone: the use of large mallets or any other kitchen equipment in order to beat and/or bludgeon other people, regardless of how stupid they are. We also do not condone drug pushing, drug use, alcoholism, abuse of any kind or pyronecrobeasteophileism.

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_**Disclaimer 2:** We claim no rights to the term pyronecrobeasteophileism (which our friend invented) and we don't want any rights to it, thank you very much.

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_Author's note 2: Stay tuned for further episodes (maybe) such as Shishio versus the damned Imperialist Meiji government writers.

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_Author's note 3: To understand random references used in this fic (not that it's necessary), please read our other fictions: "The Rurouni Kenshin Infomercial" and "Gundam Theater Presents: Hamlet" as well as SiriusFan13's fiction, "My Gun is Bigger than Your Gun."

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_Author's note 4: Eat your vegetables, so you can grow up big and strong and not demented like us._

_Hiko cuts in, commented, "Better yet, drink your sake and you'll be big and strong and adored by women like I am."_

_DumbledoresDelight: Hiko... We're not supposed to promote alcoholism. See author's note 1. (hits Hiko on head with mallet borrowed from Tira Misu) Wait! Crap! That was also part of author's note 1! No mallets! Scratch that!

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_**Disclaimer 3: ** By the way, We don't own _Sorcerer Hunters_ either.

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_Hiko lies on ground, swirly-eyed while Kamatari tries to revive him, saying "Quick! I'll do CPR!"_

_Hiko springs up, miraculously recovered.

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_Author's note 5: Please feel free to tell us what you think the verdict should have been!

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_Chibi Kenshin appears.  
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**Kenshin Says:**

Please review!

**Shishio Says:**

Or else... (evil Shishio laugh)

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**THE END (for real**... we think...) 


End file.
